Socking stuffer

Tonight we had an end of the semester Christmas party. Somehow the entire campus caught word of this, and we arrived to the appluase of about 50 people. Some students were there that I hadn't seen since the first day of class. Luckily we prepared an all star line up of party games. First, we played pin the nose on Rudolph which was slightly compromised by the students telling each other when they were next to it. The next game was a real crowd pleaser. We took a photo of me holding a fake snowball and put it up the projector.

Then we had the students go to the back of the classroom and throw rolled up socks at my picture. Baseball is not a recgonized sport in China and some of the throws went a bit errant. The girls however had surprisingly good accuracy. One of them was a real Roger Clemens headhunter and hit my face on 4 out of 5 snowballs. After about two hours of of party gaming we taught them some carols. The real event of the night though was the picture taking at the end. I suspect 20% of those that attended came mostly for that.


We also decided to take a christmas photo in our apartment after we decorated.                                      

Seasoned Greetings

I've led my entire life banking on the world ending today. I haven't built any credit, made any long term investments, or geared myself in the direction of any profession. Today is my last day of teaching for the semester, and all of a sudden I'm looking forward to December 22nd and the first few months of the 2013 new year. For the next 66 days of our paid vacation, we might as well be contestants on "The Amazing Race".

Kassy's father will arrive on Sunday and together we will be able to do some traveling throughout China. Our first stop will be Chengdu which is famous for it's brilliant food, laid back lifestyle, and panda bears. Chengdu is in the Sichuan providence that hosts 85% of the world remaining pandas. Next we will, train to Xi'an the ancient capital of China, one of the four oldest cities in the world.

On January 9th, Kassy's father will depart and Kassy and I will fly down to Thailand. For the next month we will travel throughout Cambodia and Thailand then end up in Hong Kong for the beginning of Spring Festival (Chinese New Year).

Seeing as how we will not be blogging for a very long time, we decided to end this one with a bang.

First of all, I'd invite all of you to check out this Christmas song, by Taiwanese rapper MC Hot Dog http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0rlpbKCd94 He has some other awesome songs, but he is for a (im)mature audience only.

Kassy has updated all of our photos on our flickr account.

Lastly, we have created a music video about some of the delicious food in China. The video was shot entirely with an iphone and made using the most basic movie making program making it a bit choppy in parts (fair warning for the people who get sea sick easily.) Also some parts of the video might go a little fast to try to match lyrics, we will post the lyrics of the song at the bottom of this blog. For those of you that don't like the sound of screeching breaks, the weird sisters, or out of tuned guitars, I'd suggest muting our singing and just reading along with the words.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C20E1xF27h0



Sorry for leaving on that ♫ote, we want to wish everyone a 圣诞快乐 and may the year of the snake bring you good fortune,

Kassy and Sean (Kai xi and Wang Yang)



"My Grub Is Like... Wo"

See, baby


I know you done had your share of grubs
I am more than confident
You won't ever have to search these streets for
concessions
I got you

What kind of chow you like
I know the cooks can be reheatin'
Tell me what cuisine you like
My main goal is to feed ya

What's on the menu tonight
price so low I'll be treatin'
I hope you have an appetite
So tell me, will you come and dine tonight

My chao fan like...wo
My baozi like...wo
My jiaozi like...wo
My sauce is like...wo
My pai gu like...wo
My shao kao like...wo
And you're tastin' it
So what you think of it

My mian like...wo
My tofu like...wo
My tang ci like...wo (it's actually tang ci li ji)
My qie zi is like...wo
My tudou is like...wo
My somethings like...wo
And you're tastin' it
So what you think of it

When will you come chew
'Cause I'll be waitin' up right here
Can you bring some shancheng beer
So we can pop the top and cheers

Please have no fear Yeah
animal organs taste alright
I hope you have an appetite
So tell, will you come and dine to night?

My chao fan like...wo
My baozi like...wo
My jiaozi like...wo
My sauce is like...wo
My pai gu like...wo
My shao kao like...wo
And you're tastin' it
So what you think of it

My mian like...wo
My tofu like...wo
My tang ci like...wo
My qie zi is like...wo
My tudou is like...wo (Kassy is actually eating a yam instead of a potato)
My somethings like...wo
And you're tastin' it
So what you think of it

Try it,
Oh my
Taste it,
Taste it
Try it,
Oh My,
My

Try it like you never gonna eat no more
If you're likin' what you're tastin' Baby let me
know

If you're gonna feast hunger best be strong
'Cause I want these meals to last all night long

My chao fan like...wo
My baozi like...wo
My jiaozi like...wo
My sauce is like...wo
My pai gu like...wo
My shao kao like...wo
And you're tastin' it
So what you think of it

My mian like...wo
My tofu like...wo
My tang ci like...wo
My qie zi is like...wo
My tudou is like...wo
My somethings like...wo
And you're tastin' it
So what you think of it

Wo
Wo
Wo
Wo
Wo
Wo
Wo

Bring me some piggy pudding

It's the most wonderful time of the year. The mandarin oranges are in full blossom and they may have a higher concentrate of sugar in them than the canned ones sold back in America. They are so good that they even named the language after them. I can't quite speak Mandarin yet, but I sure as hell can eat it.

I find that many things in this world are very confounding. For instance, I am baffled by how a rip stick works, why the bull's eye isn't worth the most points on a dart board, and why you have to change the the direction you are twisting to get the tie thingy off on a loaf of bread. One thing that drove my confusion to apoplectic levels was why Koala Yummies were taken off the shelf. I haven't seen them since I was a young whippersnapper wearing Velcro shoes. I could not believe my eyes when I discovered our local grocery store has a whole row filled with them. I immediately grabbed one and fist pumped it into the air, the exact motion of Ash Ketchup after imprisoning a new Pokemon in his pokeball. For all those who remember them the recipe hasn't changed, although there is a new cappuccino flavor. Koala Yummies will be my first step in becoming a professional importer exporter.

For those of you who are frequent patrons of whole foods, taken a wilderness and civilization class, or drink out of used pear jars I would just like to say I am doing my part to maintain an eco-friendly world by consuming 100% organic, locally grown food. I would also like to mention, that I am also buying 100% locally made. I was going to get you all presents from China, but I suspect most, if not all your Christmas gifts will already be coming from here.

My mother is always pushing me to expand my horizons by eating new things. These past few months I have pushed my horizons farther than Magellan. Here is a list of some of the more unusual foods I've tried and their ratings:

Snake= B Taste is good, especially when it is cooked in oil. Watching the process of the snake being killed against a wooden board then gutted is less than appetizing however.

Pig ear=B The top ear of a pig tastes just fine but has to be gnawed at for a little while. If it is dipped in the pig ear sauce it's rating is bumped to a B+.

Chicken feet=C not the worst taste, but I'm to clumsy with my teeth to get any meat from them. I usually end up just sucking on them, which is alright until I feel the nail. Chicken feet in China are a delicacy, sometimes fought for like the leg of a turkey. Often times they are vacuum packed and sold in grocery store snack aisles.

Frog=B+ The french might be right on this one. Frog tastes like an amphibious chicken. If you can get past the look of it (it looks exactly like a frog without its flesh). I remember there being an old Muppet movie about a villainous man who wanted to sell frog legs. He would have made a fortune if he had.

Bull genitalia=B+ I had one in hot pot and was not told what it was until after I had finished eating it. I thought I missed my chance to be eating this kind of thing once I left Montana. Some Chinese think you are what you eat, and by consuming this will become stronger and more powerful.

Pig brain=? I can not give this one a fair judgement. It honestly tasted somewhere between garlic mashed potatoes and pudding. I believe that we as Americans should be more open to eating more parts of the animals we kill, and not letting so much go to waste. Although I could wrap my brain around the logic, I had problems wrapping my lips around the brain. I felt like Hannibal Lector. The taste was fine, but I wouldn't have been able to take another bite with out yak attack.

Cow stomach= C+ Just fine but real chewy, nothing to write a blog about.

Goose intestines= C to B+, depending on how it's prepared. Real delicious at the goose restaurant.

Eggplant=...A Really the Cinderella story of the trip. I almost gagged at the thought when it was first offered to me. "Here try some fish flavored eggplant." It's not fish flavored at all it's just prepared like a fish and is one of my favorite foods here in China.

Mong beans=A for Awesome. I go crazy for them like beagles for blueberries.

Snail= B- had one night at a BBQ. Was just fine but easily forgotten.

Lotus plant= B+ If cooked all the way through it is very delicious. If it is eaten raw it's a bit bitter for my taste.

Some other things things I've expanded to my pallet that I eat on the reg. Broccoli, sprouts, pumpkin, water seaweed, tofu, and about 4 different things that I don't know the word for. If my mother could witness the foods that I now consume she would not be able to close her mouth (like center fielder Carlos Gomez) for a week.

Duck, duck, goose....fish, cow

Christmas has come early.

In the last two days I have been bombarded with invitations and offers. My daily life in China is set to undergo a drastic change.

The first offer came from playing badminton after class one night. Some boys were doing some step-up like things on the stage. Back in the day, I won a seventh grade break dance competition in which I inherited the name Shigady Sean from the MC, I figured I’d go check it out. I watched for about three minutes before someone ran over and insisted that I join the club. Tonight will be my first lesson, we’ll see if I break (it) down.

Last night we wined and dined with the headmaster of an elementary school who wants to hire us as teachers. Dos Equis might have hired the wrong guy. In addition to being a headmaster, the man also owns the five-star restaurant we ate at, a tennis club, and is a champion Chinese boxer. The restaurant we ate at was superb, better than the salmon served at my sister’s wedding. I lost track of how many courses were served but I remember we had goose prepared 8 different ways. My favorite was battered and fried and put in a soup. The most unique was goose liver served with diced cucumber and snow peas. When I thought I could eat no more, a plate of Salisbury steak was put in front of me along with silverware. It took Kassy and me a while to remember how to eat with a knife and fork. These gourmet dinners may become somewhat of a frequent thing once we begin teaching.

To cap the night off, I was asked via a text message if I would consider working as paid model for a new store. I’ve been practicing my “blue steel” look ever since.

Pain is pressure

Massages are a customary part of life for many Chinese. Supposedly, massages play an important part in keeping one’s body balanced (a word that is synonymous to healthy to the Chinese). The Chinese government has done something really cool, they subsidize the cost of massage training for blind people so they can play a valuable role in society. Almost all masseuses are blind, which does nothing to hinder their work professionally. Being the regular laobaixing (average Chinese Joe) that I am, I decided to go get my first massage.

After years of lifting with my back, slinging my backpack over one shoulder, and sleeping in the fetal position, my back has built up a reserve of entanglements and has been nicknamed Fort Knots. Once the masseuse got to work on my back, he started talking to the other masseuses and laughing a little bit. He was probably asking if I was Quizimotto. I’m sure the knots in my back read like brail under his probing fingers saying “F.U.B.A.R.” I started to feel self-conscious like when the dentist begins to floss and you start to bleed. Luckily, the five dollar hour long massage was a soothing one filled oohs and awws…….. knot!

At the Packer Hall of Fame, I read a quote from the great Vince Lombardi, “Pain is just weakness leaving the body.”  If that is the case, then I have never been a stronger human being in my life. The one hour pressure point massage was downright “cruciatusly cursed” at times. At one point (in my lower back), I lost all feeling in my legs and shouted “Uncle” to no avail. Once the masseuse moved past my back and down to my legs I started to panic. I have very sensitive feet with uncontrollable horse kicking reflexes when they are touched. The thoughts of an international scandal began to race through my head, “American teacher kicks blind masseuse in the face.” Fortunately, the masseuse had to spend so much time undoing the knots in my back (a feat that no eagle scout, experienced sailor, or King Henry the VIII could do in the given time) that the time ran out before he could get to the bottom of my feet.

I hopped off the table feeling like Gumby. If I was to go back to grade school I could have received the presidential award for the V-sit for the first time ever.  No pain no gain has its truth, I felt like 6,290,000 Yuan on the cusp of Nirvana. This limber feeling is disappearing now. It doesn’t help that I am sitting on my futon, hunched over my computer while typing this blog.

The Wang's Speech

Within the last two weeks, we have acquired a “U.E.1.3.” (say this aloud and you just said friendship forever in perfect Chinese) relationship with a high school English teacher. His name is Leo, although the zodiac characteristics of a Pisces portray him much more accurately. He is a very caring person whose personality resembles one of the reoccurring characters from CBS’s “Touched by an Angel.”  You would not expect Leo’s soft and gentle demeanor to lead you into a bold or venturous situation, but in our short time of hanging out with him, we have learned to expect the unexpected.

The first time meeting Leo, like all of our experiences with him, proved to be a great day. He took us to an extraordinary Buddhist temple and a scenic park that had similar canopy to the film “Jurassic Park.” He asked if we would be willingly to come to his high school to give an English presentation to which we enthusiastically agreed. Two days later, we were picked up from our apartment and taxied to the school where we were met with troubadours, huzzahs, and flash photography. Incidentally, we arrived at the same time as the mayor of Rongchang who was given minimal attention by comparison. The faculty soon came to the realization that the school only had one large projector and a debate broke out as to which presentation needed it more, the mayor or the foreigners. Kassy and I informed them that we would be just fine without the projector, had we known what was in store for us, we may not have conceded so quickly.

We were under the impression that we might go in and speak to a couple of classes, flash some U.S. currency and smile for a couple of pictures. However, An Fu High School had something else in mind. Leo escorted us to the school’s auditorium where 200+ students eagerly sat with wide eyes and open mouths. The eight windows each had fifteen or so students cramming their heads in. On top of the Auditorium stage an LED Banner screen said, Welcome Shawn and Kassy to our school!  I have not spoken in front of that many people since my fifth grade five minute autobiography on Wilt Chamberlain. I suddenly became very conscious of my stomach and the weakness of my knees. I soon realized our previous plan of showing currency was completely impractical, and without a blackboard or projector our usual English lessons were rendered useless. Leo then came to help set up our microphones and inform us we had an hour to present.

We talked about anything we could think of. How we studied psychology which is more or less mind reading. I made up a story of how the “Adam’s apple” got its name because of a boy who never chewed his food and one day decided to swallow an apple whole which became permanently lodged in his throat. Why American’s are fat. We also demonstrated thumb wrestling, the song head, shoulders, knees and toes, and pinky promises (the pinky is the middle finger in China so you could imagine how comical the concept was, especially while watching two guest speakers give them the bird.) During the question time we were asked to sing an American song, we did a deaf tone duet of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” We smiled amiably as we answered intimate questions about our relationship.

Just like a UPS postal worker, we delivered. If you were to ask the teachers and students how our improvised speech ranked, they would claim it was comparable to the Gettysburg Address. We have been given an open invitation to return as well as asked to judge an English competition next week.

Yesterday, Leo invited us to go on a bike ride to the ancient town of Lu Kong. The bike ride is usually an easy 40 minutes on a well paved flat road so Kassy and I rented out some very cheap dainty rode bikes (high handle bars with baskets in front). Before going to Lu Kong we stopped to see a botanical garden which meant we had to take an alternative route. Poet Robert Frost would describe it as the road less travelled. Not a single section of the serpentine path was smooth or flat. The one gear bike with semi-workable breaks and a seat lower than my knees was over matched by the mountainous terrain. Still with “The Little Engine that Could” perseverance I strenuously pedaled upward each hill until I got to the adrenaline rush of barreling down the steep hills and careening around the tight turns.  The steadfast determination died about half way to Lu Kong as my bicycle started to make tin man like noises (also how my body feels now). We had to walk our bikes up the remaining hills. We got to Lu Kong in a state of exhaustion and only stayed for an hour. By comparison, the paved road we took back felt like biking downstream on a conveyor belt. As with most things I borrow, I returned the bicycle while apologizing for its depreciated value.