Missed ellaneous

China has done the Mulan thing and has somehow made a man out of me. A strong lawyer might be able to make a compelling argument that I have an actual beard and moustache. It probably should go, but for the first time in my life I am in the position to partake in no shave November.

I should have to wear a garbage bag when I eat. There is not a white shirt I own that isn’t covered with oil blotches. The meals here are like double scoop ice cream cones in mid-July, no matter how careful you are they just get everywhere.

Chinese business strategy is bamboozling. It is way more expensive to buy things in bulk than to buy them individually wrapped. For example, one packet of coffee is 1.00 kuai while a box of 10 packets is 18.00 kuai, it truly is confounding. There is also an area of town that has five hair salons in a row. I understand putting a bar next to a bar increases business for both, but I can’t imagine a customer getting multiple haircuts in succession.

To our delight, a new restaurant opened up right next to us. Its menu includes western style fries, chicken sandwiches and cold soda. To sit down, you must first climb up a ladder to reach their “cozy” dining area. I use the term cozy because the ceiling is about 4 and a half feet tall.

I know full well that I am a terrible singer, however I made an incredible discovery at a KTV that I can sing/perform Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” perfectly. Some may argue that my cover is in fact better, like Jimi Hendrix’s version of “All Along the Watchtower.” The magic; however, did not last long as I nonkosherly butchered Regina Specktor in the next song.

Game of Thrones

Here is some miscellaneous stuff from the two months I've been here.

The Chinese word for pig is, ironically, pronounced jew.

I inadvertently start speaking Spanish when I don’t know what some one is saying to me.

Our grueling 12 hour weekly schedule was shortened this week due to an English celebration festival where the entire Animal Research department performed skits and songs entirely in English. There was a large audience spectating, but I suspect Kassy and I were 2 of 8 people there who knew what was going on. One group did a splendid rendition of Snow White.

The 3,500 student body campus elected to purchase a LED jumbotron that plays random footage throughout the day, at one point they were showing the Kansas State vs. Syracuse pinstripe bowl from 2010.

The saying make new friends but keep the old is becoming somewhat impossible with the exponential growth rate of the friendly people we meet.

One of my favorite things about the Chinese language is that many times they make  ≈ "hmmm ha ha hmm" sound almost before and after every sentence. It is strikingly similar to the dialogue from the old cartoon show Speed Racer.

I have not had to use a squatting toilet once, I have Western potty trained my body.

For some reason my computer takes 45 minutes to upload one picture and half the time it fails. I'm sorry that the blog has some what lost its professional formating. We will hopefully find inspiration to update the flickr account soon.

 

 

ATonement: for my Chinese

Chinese lessons have started and for the first time in any foreign language class, I am one of the top three best students (there are only three students). So far we have just been covering the sounds and tones. Once again I find the letter "r" to be my arch nemesis. In early grade school I had to go to speech therapy to practice saying r words. The Spanish "r" was even worse. I have some nightmarish memories of standing in the hallway privately practicing with my professor while my peers laughed at my countless failed attempts to get anywhere close to the noise I was supposed to be making. I almost had a panic attack during the class where we practiced saying the "rr." The "r' noise in Chinese sounds like you’re saying the letter z while having your mouth in the r position, I struggle immensely with it.

The sounds on a whole though are not particularly difficult in comparison to the tones. There is a litany of evidence to suggest that I am tone deaf. In grade school, I was asked to run errands for my teacher Mr. Scroggins during liturgical music time. There are four different tones in Chinese; the language is spoken as if people are singing a song. One word can mean many different things based upon its tones. For example, the flat first tone ma= mother, the rising second tone ma= hemp, the down and then up third tone ma= horse and the straight down sharply fourth tone ma= a bad word. You see the importance of pronouncing the tones correctly. My solution is to move my head with whatever direction the tone is supposed to be moving, it’s also the same way I play Mario Kart. In neither case does it have the desired effect.

Finally, there are Chinese characters, in which case I am a complete goner. Learning Chinese is different than most other languages. Normally, a person first learns how to read and write a language, second to understand the spoken language, then finally to speak it. Here in China it is the opposite order. The 4,000+ Chinese characters are way too hard to start with. Everyone in our area understands Mandarin Chinese, but they speak with a different dialect that cannot be found in any books or Rosetta Stone software program. So that means we have to be the ones who speak. While speaking Spanish you have a little leeway, if you don't know a certain word you have a legitimate shot of throwing an O or an A behind the English word you’re trying to say and it might be correct. In China you do not have such luxury; you either know it or you don't.

One fortunate thing about the Chinese language is that they don't have many words. If they created a Chinese thesaurus, you could probably read it in an afternoon (if you can read Chinese.) Furthermore, it isn't at all intimidating to try to speak in front of a Chinese person, they give you constant positive reinforcement whenever you try. If you say one word in Chinese they become flabbergasted and compare your intelligence to that of Stephen Hawking’s. When you can't say a word, they put half the blame on themselves for not knowing the English word. Most of the Chinese I know is food related. My vocabulary really plateaued once I learned how to say "geng bao ji ding" (diced chicken, onions, and peanuts seared in a wok then served over a bowl of steamed rice). I finally have an answer to the famous question "If you were stuck on an Island and had to eat one thing for the rest of your life..."

 Although Kassy and I cannot string more than two Chinese words together, we feel quite comfortable living here in China. We are able "to get by with a little help from our friends," (and massive assistance by complete strangers that want to help us). People have run across the street before to help us order when we are in a restaurant or have personally escorted us to a place we are trying to get to. It's almost as if Rongchang has enacted a "Good Samaritan Law" that mandates all citizens to aid any foreigner whenever ever they look the least bit bewildered.

Someone asked me,  "So you are living in rural China and don't speak any Chinese, how do you survive?

All I can say is...It takes a village...

 

Class is in obSession

Just by reading any of my past blogs, you are probably wondering how on earth did this guy ever get hired to teach English. My knowledge of grammar and use of semantics is appalling, my spelling is autrosisous, I frequently have problems with pronouncing words, and I mumble constantly. To camouflage my ineptitude of the language, I use large hand gestures, I plaster my face with a smile that actually is a mile, I am boisterous, I might even flick my lustrous golden locks from time to time. I profess I am not a confessor, I am Gildroy Lockhart of the English language, welcome to my class.

Each class begins with an idiom. I like to to teach them something that they cannot learn from a dictionary translation. I have learned a few Chinese expressions myself, my favorite being "mama huhu" which means so-so, it's literal meaning is horse horse tiger tiger. I like to balance my class with half the class reviewing familiar material like head, shoulders, knees, and toes, and use the rest covering new material like eye lashes, adam's apple, funny bone, and pinky promises. Our students have been taught English primarily through rote memorization. Kassy and I use games as often as possible to get the students to practice speaking. We both taught our classes the game two truths and one lie. The game succeeded in getting everyone to participate although the one lie every time could not have been more obvious to spot if it were told by Pinocchio. One of the more memorable responses was a man claiming he has two heads. A simple joke such as writing my own name down in a list of synonyms for the word great goes Sean lengths in the classroom. If China decides to have a spin off of "The Last Comic Standing" I would undoubtedly be a finalist.

Because Chinese names are so long (not quite tikki tikki tumbo... but not far from) and I can't pronounce them anyhow, all of my students have picked English names to go by in class. Chinese names all have meaning, in other words, every name could be used in a Chinese game of scrabble. Many students just have their Chinese name translated to English, some names are, Grass, Sunshine, and Swallow. Others ventured out and created their own unique names such as, Anluy, Clack, and Vajay. Kassy has a student named Poppy who unfortunately spells it as Poopy. One female Lady Gaga admirer from the class picked the name Alejandro.

I assure you I am not the only one snapping photos throughout the class. The students are beyond excited to be in the same room as an American and every time I turn around after writing something on the board there are at least two students taking a picture of me with a cell phone that's partially hidden behind a notebook. I am the first teacher these students have ever had that speaks English as a first language. Surprisingly, they speak English pretty well with an accent that is probably sounds more natural than mine. It's ironic to remember the days of high school when I begrudgingly went to Spanish class bemoaning the fact that I would never use it in my daily life. Meanwhile the presence of already large Latino population in the United States continues growing. Here in China, my students have been practicing English diligently for five years+ without ever having an opportunity to speak English in their daily life until Kassy and I arrived. It is probable that less then 5 percent of our students will ever have to or have much of an opportunity to use English in their lives. Still our students come to class craving to learn as much as they can.

We teach every night Monday through Friday from 7:00 to 8:30, with two other classes on Friday afternoon and one on Saturday morning. The schedule is not an ideal for travel but I can not complain seeing as how I only have to work 12 hours a week. Prior to daylight savings time, China is 13 hours ahead of central time. If anyone wants to skype, the best time would be around 9ish am or pm.

On a completely separate note, I would like to thank the Tompers for making my life, a box full of chocolates,! you never know if your going to get, especially through the Chinese mail. Chinese food is exceptional, although they are lacking in the sweets department. Special thanks to Chalis for sending me my all time favorite, Kit Kat bars.

I love this bar

I don't know if the entrepreneurs at Heaven and Hell had a scouting report, market research data, or a crystal ball but they could not have timed their grand opening of a "western style" bar with the arrival of two American foreigners more perfectly. The bar is run by three guys a year or two younger than me. Within minutes of walking into the bar we reached a symbiotic relationship. The owners could not be more pleased to have real Americans in their bar and we were elated to drink at a discounted rate at a place just across the street.

I use the term "western style" very loosely. The walls are adorned with a modge-podge of clashing political figures including fuhrer Hitler, Che, and Winston Churchill. No political statements are being made, they just hung whatever western pictures they could get their hands on. Other random memrobilia that you might find inside a Red Robin are also glued to the fake red brick wall paper. It's usually best to just drink beer, but you need to ask for ice. The mixed drinks are a little peculiar to say the least. I ordered a bloody mary and whether or not you came from Wisconsin you would agree that this one needed a chaser. I think the drink was mixed with dragon fruit and lemon juice.

The night of the welcoming faculty party, we stepped in to pay our patronage to our buddies at Heaven and Hell. After being treated to a royal feast that probably cost my monthly salary I decided to splurge and buy everyone in the place a drink. The action sounds generous but didn't cost more then $4.00. Dancing, clapping, and gan beis followed and soon everyone was speaking Chinglish. When everyone is having a good time, there are no language barriers. *Kassy Insert: Sean also tried to inform the owners of Heaven and Hell that he should immediately be hired to help bring customers into the bar. He did this by literally going out onto the street and putting his arm around strangers and coercing them to come inside. All the while shouting, "He,he, he" (this is, if prounounced correctly, means drink in Chinese- and sounds like huh) Surprisingly, he ushered a few in who delightedly stayed and later took us out for late night barbeque.*  We made it home late that night and began packing for our 8 days of traveling during national holiday which we were to embark on the next morning. Needless to say, we fell a little short of the boy scout model "be prepared." We later discovered that our packing was a little uneven, way too much of somethings and none of others.

I know I have made China sound like all fun and games and that's because so far it has been. Kassy and I received 5 weeks pay to go explore and meet new friends. In one hour we will go to finally teach our first English class. Working shouldn't alter my Chinese experience too much seeing as how my lesson plans follow the same model, all fun and games.

Local time China....5 o'clock

Well I caved. I purchased a VPN account that grants me full access to the world wide web of social media. I can now watch political debates, read western perspective on China's island disputes, and use you/twit/face. Furthermore, I can blog with out having to use a middle man, which means I will write more frequently for about a week before grow tired of it.

Cheers and beers

Drinking in China is like girls going to the bathroom in America, it is not a solitary act. If you are thirsty you better stand and toast somebody. Chinese meals feel like a more rapid version of power hour. There is no sip, once glasses collide you are expected to finish the cup. If you fill your shot glass up again after drinking, you are fair game to be called out for another cheers. If you don't feel like drinking any more, you don't fill you glass again in which case you have just bought yourself thirty seconds of rest time until someone else fills it for you.

When you are a guest at a table, it is a sign of gratitude to the host to get a little toasty (call out a few cheers and spill your drink a little while doing so). It shows them that you have enjoyed yourself in their presence. Sometimes this means we go through a lot of pi'jou (pronounced pee-jo=beer) seeing as how the ABV of Chinese beer has the same percentage as beer sold in a Minnesota grocery store.

Another sign of respect comes during the act of cheersing (which is a word according to urbandictionary). If you touch your glass below some one's you are paying them your respect. This act of etiquette has turned into somewhat of a competition as I always try to get my glass to clink at the lower level. In order to do this, I use a little move I learned from Viktor Krum called the Wronski Feint. I first go in for the toast, pretending like I'm staying the straight course until I'm an inch away and I roll the glass back in my hand and dive down clipping the bottom of the persons glass while I do so. I must say, I have not mastered the art, as a result there usually will be some spilt beer or plate that gets knocked over.

The last Chinese meal I went to was in all actuality a faculty Friday. Kassy and I dinned with the Southwest University; president, vice president, chair of the biology and math department, and the dean of students. All these scholarly men who have achieved great academic feats and acquired stockpiles of knowledge were fervently shaking our hands and welcoming us to their University. I performed a great number of Wronski Feints that night. As a result from these actions, a great deal of beer was spilled and a bowl was knocked over, but at least proper respect was paid.

I'll eventually post some pictures from this grand feast. I've never thought that food needed to be portrayed as decadent artwork, but WOW the aesthetics of this meal were spectacular. Franc from the "Father of the Bride" would have cried with joy from the way everything looked. The taste of everything equally phenomenal. Thankfully by this time, our chopstick proficiency was passable enough not to have to ask for a spoon. After dinner ended and everyone was a little red in the face, Kassy and I started walking back to our apartment. The night certainly didn't end here, but this blog will. We'll pick up where we left off at our local pub "Heaven and Hell" that needs a blog entry just for itself.