In my o’pinyin

Yesterday was a huge breakthrough in my Chinese. I round housed kicked down the language barrier and conducted mai mai (business) with the store keeper like a laobaixing (an average lee). Here is a rough translation of the flawless conversation.

“Hello, do you have any cold medicine.” “ni hao, you gan mao yao?”

“I have.” “you”

“How much?” “haoduoqian”

“15” “shiwu”

“Thank you, goodbye” “xie xie, zaijian.”

I tell you it was seamless and I got a big euphoric rush. I might go buy some amoxicillin tomorrow just to get the feeling back. I can also give the illusion that I know Chinese by memorizing an idiom and inserting it randomly into any conversation to elicit applause. The Chinese love making four word idioms that sum up short stories. In an earlier blog, I explained that mamahuhu literally means horse horse tiger tiger but as a phrase means so-so. The story goes, once there was a painter who created the most magnificent painting. Everyone thought it was the best painting they had ever seen, but half the people thought the painting was of a horse and half the people thought it was of a tiger. After much bickering, they finally they decided the painting couldn’t  be that great if they couldn’t all agree if it was a horse or a tiger, so they declared it only so-so.

The Chinese also love plays on words. The man who created pinyin (who I would write a sizeable check to if he still were alive) cleverly came up with a 92 word poem about a lion eating poet using only one pinyin word shi.  This dwarfs the grammatically correct English sentence, "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." The meaning of the word shi changes as the tones change making it the world’s hardest tongue twister. A Chinese crossword writer might have an even easier job than me if he used pinyin. With all the double/triple/quadruple….decuple meanings to spoken words, Chinese language has the ability to be very cryptic. One man (who might be related to George Orwell) wrote a seemingly innocent story about a rabbit to post on the internet. Soon it was discovered that when the story was read aloud, not only did all the words have second meanings based on pronunciation, but it was also directly speaking out against the communist government.

The luckiest number in China is 8. People will pay money to have an extra 8 in their phone number or license plate. The reason is because the pronunciation “ba” sounds like “fa” which means good fortune.  It was no coincidence that the Beijing summer Olympic’s opening ceremony was held on 08/08/08, and it remains the day that has had the most weddings ceremonies.

Every one of my students has made sure to tell me to bundle up because the weather is changing. This phrase, “The weather is changing” is repeated like a mantra and is apparently the main reason for almost any kind of ailment, from an upset stomach to a tooth ache. It reminds me of the ominous Stark household creed “Winter is coming” from the book “Game of Thrones”. The afternoons are pleasant enough, but the nights become an insufferable damp coldness.  One that is almost inescapable even when you are swaddled up in the confines of your home. I like to think I am a minimalist, a minimalist that takes full advantage of mi casa es su casa (If you give this moose a muffin…) but I made a valuable purchase in acquiring a water heater. It has become my most treasured possession during this weather change and I would not trade it for all the tea in China.

It's all gravy

The opening line from the mix reviewed show "Portlandia" claims that Portland is where young people go to retire. If that is the case, Rongchang is where young folks go for sabbatical. I've contemplated starting a mandala with the amount of free time I have acquired. Our 12 hour work week has shrank to 8 as our freshman students start cramming for their exams next month. At our University, Kassy and I do not do any kind of grading, we are resources for the students to practice English outside of the classroom. Although we are truly fascinating (our students assure us), recreational English isn't a priority during crunch time. Our night classes frequently overlap with mandatory gatherings for all freshman. Yes we still are teachers, but a better label for us would be mascots whose purpose is to boost campus morale. Students still get very pumped up to see us and picture taking has not has not ebbed in the slightest.

Our free time has not been filled with idle hands. Kassy has gotten a gym membership where she practices Eastern yoga which is apparently a much different style. I have used the time trying to improve my Chinese sporting skills. I have had varying levels of success. I am currently playing the best ping pong of my life, which means I can contend with a beginner class at an elementary school. I have become somewhat of a presence on a basketball court (mostly on rebounds), however from lack of practice over the years, my left hand has become completely defunct and is about as much use as Nemo's little fin. By far, my favorite sport to play is badminton in which I have managed to obtain sensei status. As of right now Danny Almonte like things are being done to my citizenship documents so I can hoist up the China flag at the Brazil Olympics. Some people have taken to calling me Li Dan.

One of my favorite quotes from the novel "Slaughter-house Five" is "No matter where you go, people are people." On a whole, I agree with Vonnegut, but its meaning is over simplified if taken literally. I would modify it by saying, no matter where you go, children are children. Our streets are "chalk full" of children running around and playing red light green light, follow the leader, and hop scotch. The only difference is that Chinese children are cuter. Each day I get a huge wave of happiness as I am greeted by two adorable little girls that wave and shout hello. I usually respond by doing some sort of mimery that elicits rave reviews with clapping and giggling.

Some people say that love is the universal language, geeks say it is math. Really the only two things in this world that can tie everybody together, is the song Gang Gam style and the movie Titanic. Peace conferences should keep this in mind as conflict rises in the mid-east if they are trying to find grounds to agree on. Chinese people still have tears stream down their eyes while they talk about Titanic. The song "My heart will go" is still in the top 40 hits and is a staple at all KTV's. I have also gang gam styled with people between 10-55 years of age.

China has a version of black Friday that takes place on November 11th every year. It is called singles day because it is 11/11 on a calendar. It is a big day for sales without trampelings. We have been teaching about Thanksgiving for our classes this week. The "turducken" has taken quite a bit of explaining and has been met with some very quizzical looks. I try to explain to them how quintessential it is for the proper American meal. We also had them give persuasive speeches where they were turkeys and we were farmers and they had to give us reasons for why we shouldn't eat them for Thanksgiving. One of our students looked up the holiday on his phone and said that he was pardoned by president Obama. Tomorrow we will go to Bei Bei to feast with the other westerners. Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and that the Cowboys lose.

We have finally updated some photos on our Flickr account.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Seeing as how I am a good ol’ fashioned country boy who has roomed with Adam Van Atta for a series of years, I can say that I am just fine with America’s second amendment. China, who invented gun powder, only allows its citizens the right to bare arms (Keng fu style).  With 1.3 billion people roaming around, there isn’t much hunting space to be had or crimes that need to be prevented. It’s a marvel that such a populated country can have such a low crime rate. I was taught that population and crime have a correlation rate of about .99. I’ve speculated reasons for this, maybe it’s because there are no guns or that there are harsher punishments for crime. I think what it comes down to is the Chinese value honor. To commit a crime is to dishonor themselves, their family, and their country. The Chinese place much more value on their society than their individual selves.

The real danger in China is crossing the street. It is like playing a human game of Frogger where you are on your last life. No matter what a cross walk says, your only focus while crossing should be strength in numbers. The taxis here are incredibly cheap. In our town you can get to any place for a mere 80 cents. A motorcycle taxi is even cheaper, but you have to have a Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon kind of death wish mentality to hop aboard.

The other danger of living in China is becoming addicted to cigarettes. They are offered non-stop as signs of generous hospitality. China is probably the worst place in the world to go cold turkey (also because they don’t have turkey.) Though possibly the most serious danger is gambling.

Oscar Wilde once wrote, “Why do all men kill the things they love?”  I inversely wonder, “Why do I love the things that kill me?”  such as the sight of an oil rainbow mixed in a puddle, the taste of a bacon cheeseburger, the smell of Big Sky Brewery, or the sound of Mahjong tiles being clanked together. Recently in China gambling on Mahjong has become somewhat of an epidemic. Mahjong tables are occupied at all hours of the day and hundreds of dollars can exchange hands depending on how a round is won or lost. The game is a home-wrecker, but wow is it fun and arguably worth it.